not to sully: twenty and certain

This is so beautiful on so many levels that I won’t say anything else for fear of ruining it.

from nevergirl

The last time I slept underneath the stars, I remember, I was in love. The moon looked like it had been spun out of stories and silver; and the sky was so clear I felt I could look up, fall into it, and slip unnoticed among the stars. I was young, and happy, and in love, and my world at that moment whirled around the big blue sky above me and the boy I was writing love letters to. Even now, all I have to do is close my eyes and I’d be there again, twenty years old and so certain in my happiness I’m sure my face glowed like the stars above me.

silence and stimulation

I’m a natural multi-tasker. Not to say that I’m good at it; I just can’t help it. I can really be quite horrible at it: forgetting what I was doing first and starting new things (like this, actually).

Because it’s natural for me to be doing several things at once, I crave extra stimulation while doing something that doesn’t occupy most of my senses. I feel the need to be occupied with something else, while doing something tedious or routine.

Last night, I had pretty much decided to have a friend on speaker phone while driving home. Otherwise, I probably would have music playing. I seem to drive safer when I’m slightly distracted.

However, when I did start driving, I had a thought to not call my friend just yet, and drive in silence.

I ended up driving all the way without any other noise in the car except my talking out loud to myself. I can’t really say how awesome it was (not that I was talking to myself, that’s “normal” for me) but it was.

This may sound like I’m discovering air for the first time, but it means a lot to me because of that need I always seem to have for something else.

Then, I had dinner when I got home, with my dad and bro doing other stuff in the same room. I kept getting restless while eating, feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, so I kept wanting to turn the TV on. But I didn’t.

I was going back and forth, loading and reloading the washer and the dryer, anyway, so I really didn’t need that extra thing to hold my attention. So it was all good.

Then an interesting thing happened. I had a bit of decent conversation with my dad. It wasn’t about anything important, but we hardly really ever talk about stuff other than what’s for dinner, why’d I leave the tap dripping in the bathroom, stuff like that. It was nice.

So there was fresh laundry to fold after dinner (which ended pretty quickly due to lack of distraction from the telly, thank you.) and I had already been thinking about what I would watch.

But then, for some reason, I didn’t watch anything. Maybe because I was texting back and forth with a couple people already. I know, I was still multi-tasking, but it was great to kind of stare into space in between texts, while folding.

—

I’m gradually trying to simplify my life, I think. Trying to focus on what really means a lot to me and trimming off the stuff that I could (surprisingly) easily live without.

It’s slow and I get distracted and I get frustrated by the sheer amount of stuff that still needs to be done in my personal life, coupled by a restlessness about the state of the world in general.

I like the silence, I really do, but sometimes my senses think otherwise. Still, I think I’ll get a lot more done, here in the silence, at least for now.

going slow

I am taking things slow. Slower than might be healthy (I canceled a meeting today because I was feeling out of sorts, and I haven’t picked back up on the work that I started on Monday) but I believe I have yet to find my pace. Considering that, I guess I’m going just as slow/fast as I have to.

I have to understand that not everyone understands the pace that I need to be taking.

I am happy to have been able to get my hair cut at a random time in the afternoon and not have to worry about catching a bus at a certain time.

I am happy that I found my way to taking a quiz a day early for my online class, after window shopping for jewelry all morning.

I am happy that I don’t yet have plans for tomorrow.

I am, however, a bit upset with myself for procrastinating and canceling on my meeting today. But there’s not much that regret can do.

So I think I’ll do some work now.

a tall green ginger with milk and honey

I have learned how to drink tea. K suggested it and although I said that I didn’t drink tea, I left work earlier than I’d planned last Wednesday and got myself a tea.

I find I’m liking this cup quite a bit. I think it’s perfect for this rainy evening. Every sip melts the day’s stresses away. It’s quietly happy-fying; it doesn’t make me excited and giddy but calms me into a simple bliss.

Or maybe it’s writing. Or the rain. I really like the rain, tonight. I’m usually afraid of getting wet but I’m not, now. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t expecting rain this week. Maybe it’s because it hasn’t rained in a while; a welcome change.

Maybe the night seems magical with the rain sparkling on the pavement. It makes me feel more of Christmas than anything so far this year. Not quite the “true meaning” but the anticipation of the holiday, nostalgia for the magic of childhood Christmases. I don’t know.

This is a good moment. Of being. I’m almost afraid of scaring it away but I’ll not worry about that. This, now, is good.

—

I’m tempted to start lists of things to do, purchases to make. But no. Not now.

The tea is perfectly warm, perfectly sweet. I am amazed that I got it right, that I’ve figured how I like it. Interesting.

There are a lot of things I could think about. Things needing sorting out in my head. But possibly more than ever before, I’m taking things as they come, living in the moment, slowing down. I’m nowhere near where I’d like to be in those respects but I’m happy with where I am.

—

I remember something B said a couple months ago… that I’m “okay.” Part of me still doubts that but here and now, I think I can believe that I am.