taking cues

Do you ever notice that when you’re talking to different people, you talk slightly differently with each one? Or maybe with a certain group, it’s different from the next.

Do you ever notice that you’ve picked up some of their speaking habits, inflections, pet phrases?

At first, I thought it was high school again when I was accused of trying to be someone else, because I was unconsciously emulating my (I thought then) closest friend.

Then I realized what I think is a lovely* thing: I have a bit of every one in me and every one has a bit of me.

I guess, then, that when we find our bits that match, we use those bits to communicate. Only usually, the only way to find it is take cues from the other person.

*On another note, they have to make up new words for “wonderful” because it’s just been used so many times that it appears to lose meaning. All the other words in the Thesaurus don’t seem appropriate. “Lovely” is the closest I could get, here, but it doesn’t quite fit either.

That is not to say that it isn’t wonderful that wonderful is used so much, because that would mean that there is so much that is wonderful to speak about!

adversity

I have been laughing at myself a lot lately. It’s truly refreshing. I don’t remember when the changeover happened, but at some point in the past week or so, I stopped being so embarrassed and feeling the need to apologize for myself. Maybe not completely, but there was a huge shift.

I used to despair over what other people would think of my mistakes and what they would think of me because of those mistakes, which were usually very small. Now I just laugh.

It’s very strange and new and thinking about it makes me laugh even more. From time to time, I wonder if I’m suppressing something I’m not supposed to, but wondering that makes me smile, almost giddily… that I’m almost positive that this is something positive.

So, just a few minutes ago, I was being the careless klutz that I am and making a mess and laughing at myself yet again. I whispered to the klutz, “There are only two possibilities… that I’ve become so mature that I’ve learned how to deal with diversity… Diversity? Di…. hahahaha… ADversity… how to deal with adversity through laughter! Haha… Either that or I’ve finally gone completely mad.”

I really don’t think it’s the latter. I’m sure most would agree that that’s happened long ago.

slowly

Regarding the previous post, I was told, “I think it’s wonderful that you are giving yourself that gift lately.”

Amid all the self-doubt and apprehension about not being “properly” employed, it’s easy to forget that maybe this is the pace I’m supposed to be keeping for this course.

I need to really believe that I’ll come out better if I don’t rush and worry too much. There are piles of things to do, but they’re surely diminishing, how ever slowly.

I may not be proud of having spent an hour on YouTube watching Yaris commercials, but I am proud of having made two dishes of baked spaghetti, washed, dried and folded laundry, and done some work for a freelance client. I accomplished something today.

And that’s something to be thankful for, how ever slowly.

silence and stimulation

I’m a natural multi-tasker. Not to say that I’m good at it; I just can’t help it. I can really be quite horrible at it: forgetting what I was doing first and starting new things (like this, actually).

Because it’s natural for me to be doing several things at once, I crave extra stimulation while doing something that doesn’t occupy most of my senses. I feel the need to be occupied with something else, while doing something tedious or routine.

Last night, I had pretty much decided to have a friend on speaker phone while driving home. Otherwise, I probably would have music playing. I seem to drive safer when I’m slightly distracted.

However, when I did start driving, I had a thought to not call my friend just yet, and drive in silence.

I ended up driving all the way without any other noise in the car except my talking out loud to myself. I can’t really say how awesome it was (not that I was talking to myself, that’s “normal” for me) but it was.

This may sound like I’m discovering air for the first time, but it means a lot to me because of that need I always seem to have for something else.

Then, I had dinner when I got home, with my dad and bro doing other stuff in the same room. I kept getting restless while eating, feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, so I kept wanting to turn the TV on. But I didn’t.

I was going back and forth, loading and reloading the washer and the dryer, anyway, so I really didn’t need that extra thing to hold my attention. So it was all good.

Then an interesting thing happened. I had a bit of decent conversation with my dad. It wasn’t about anything important, but we hardly really ever talk about stuff other than what’s for dinner, why’d I leave the tap dripping in the bathroom, stuff like that. It was nice.

So there was fresh laundry to fold after dinner (which ended pretty quickly due to lack of distraction from the telly, thank you.) and I had already been thinking about what I would watch.

But then, for some reason, I didn’t watch anything. Maybe because I was texting back and forth with a couple people already. I know, I was still multi-tasking, but it was great to kind of stare into space in between texts, while folding.

—

I’m gradually trying to simplify my life, I think. Trying to focus on what really means a lot to me and trimming off the stuff that I could (surprisingly) easily live without.

It’s slow and I get distracted and I get frustrated by the sheer amount of stuff that still needs to be done in my personal life, coupled by a restlessness about the state of the world in general.

I like the silence, I really do, but sometimes my senses think otherwise. Still, I think I’ll get a lot more done, here in the silence, at least for now.

going slow

I am taking things slow. Slower than might be healthy (I canceled a meeting today because I was feeling out of sorts, and I haven’t picked back up on the work that I started on Monday) but I believe I have yet to find my pace. Considering that, I guess I’m going just as slow/fast as I have to.

I have to understand that not everyone understands the pace that I need to be taking.

I am happy to have been able to get my hair cut at a random time in the afternoon and not have to worry about catching a bus at a certain time.

I am happy that I found my way to taking a quiz a day early for my online class, after window shopping for jewelry all morning.

I am happy that I don’t yet have plans for tomorrow.

I am, however, a bit upset with myself for procrastinating and canceling on my meeting today. But there’s not much that regret can do.

So I think I’ll do some work now.