angry and sad and confused and tired

Most days are the same now. Even more so than before, when I had a job. Because now, I stay home most days… and stay in bed an extra half hour after I’m really awake… wondering what I must do first.

Usually, I think of something that I want to look up online, but then I think that I should eat first. And then I get stuck wondering what I should eat… and then I drift off and think about something else, until something reminds me that I shouldn’t be in bed but be working but no wait I have to eat first. What should I eat?

Then I finally say to heck with it and get out of bed and open the fridge and open cabinets and drawers in my search for a suitable breakfast. I usually settle on something that needs a little preparation and something to tide me over while I prepare. Usually, the preparation requires another trip through the cabinets and drawers to find something else to add.

Once breakfast is finally ready and I’m at the table, (beginning this week) I watch some TV while I eat. If I’m early enough, it begins with the last bits of Good Morning America. If not, it’s Regis and Kelly then The View.

I go through breakfast slowly… partly because I’m distracted by the tube and partly because I don’t have as big an appetite as I thought I did when I made so much breakfast. So breakfast turns into brunch which turns into lunch and pretty soon I’m wondering why I’m watching Jerry Springer, soaps and court TV.

(Answer: because there’s nothing else on while they’re on commercial break from the live coverage of the police chase in East LA)

My computer is usually having breakfast/brunch/lunch with me. I work a little bit on my website, surf a bit, etc while I eat.

Soon it’s time to scramble to do a few household chores before everyone comes home. Usually it’s just dishes and making rice but a few nights a week, I actually have to make dinner.

The meat is likely to be undercooked because I’m impatient. But the vegetables are likely to be overcooked and mushy because I forget about them. It’s very depressing. Lately, I’ve felt the need to make sweet things too… like I *need* to… like my life and sanity depends on the fudge.

I made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies on Friday. Except I didn’t have enough oatmeal… only 1/3 of what I needed… and I didn’t have any chocolate chips. So I used only 1/3 the amount of the oatmeal that I was supposed to and melted some Hershey’s dark chocolate in the microwave oven. They came out cake-y.

Anyway so… when dinner’s done, I eat it. Then I get back on my computer…

—

And here I am. Today I am angry because the pork wasn’t done and the sauce didn’t come out like it was supposed to and I suck. But I know that’s really not why I’m angry because I know that I’m angry for no reason.

Initially.

Only initially because now I’m angry that I’m letting myself be angry for no reason.

And then I’m sad because I can’t help being angry and I want to know why. But I’m confused… because I don’t know if I should even wonder why or if I should just stop and how I could just stop. And then I’m just tired.

And I wish I could just stop. Stop thinking about everything that needs to be dealt with because I don’t want to deal with anything. I only like responsibility when I know exactly what to do.

Sometimes when I’m afraid to do something or when there’s something holding me back, I say heck with it and just do it.

—

My dad just came in and said good night. I kissed him and said good night and ‘love you and he sort of grunted… made a “noncommittal sound” as he walked out and pulled the door closed behind him.

And I thought to myself this is so not the time for him to do that. So I cried a little. But then I had to look up “noncommittal” to be sure I had the right term and the tears faded.

I could think about it some more but I don’t want to deal with it.

—

I don’t remember what I was going to say about just doing it.

This wasn’t it but… it seems to be becoming harder to just do it.

Oh I just remembered something that I’d wanted to write about earlier today.

—

Sometimes, when my relationship with God is going well, I think that it would be a nice time to die because I knew that I was on good terms with Him. Doesn’t happen very often but still.

Sometimes I say to myself that I want to die because life seems unbearable but I know I don’t mean it because just as afraid to die as I am of facing my problems.

But this morning, I remembered that my sister was gone and that the only way I’ll ever get to see her again is when I die too. And I thought …

—

chocolate good, doughnut bad

My dad got a dozen doughnuts from the supermarket last week. Four plain, four chocolate and four with the crumbly stuff.

I’d sworn off of doughnuts a few months ago because the oil from them always likes to hang out behind my teeth and it bothers me a lot. Not to mention the possibility of developing a headache from all that oil. It makes me sick to think about them being deep fried.

This is strange because I kind of like French fries and chicken nuggets and yes I admit to eating at McDonald’s please don’t stone me. Oh and I like KFC chicken. I’ll find a rock to hide under first thing tomorrow.

Anyway, chocolate doughnut. I was looking for dessert after dinner tonight… I know, I know, I have the strangest eating habits ever. My defense is that dessert is usually something sweet and doughnuts are sweet. It’s lame.

There was peach pie, but I had it for breakfast (uh-huh) this morning and it wasn’t that good. Besides it would have taken more effort, than I was willing to exert, to scoop a slice out of the dish.

So, doughnut. I remembered that I didn’t like them anymore, as I was taking the box out of the fridge (I notice this story is getting stranger and stranger), but I ignored the memory and even considered eating the plain one. I settled on the chocolate because I thought it was the least evil.

I mean, it has chocolate on it, how bad can it be? Seriously, as I was putting the box back in, I thought that although doughnuts were bad, chocolate was good and everything would be alright.

It wasn’t alright. It was okay, considering. It helped that I was reading a book while eating thus distracting me from the abomination that was repeatedly being introduced into my mouth.

In conclusion, I would like to warn the general public that though chocolate is the third best answer to everything (first is love, second is 42), it is only third best. That means that in the presence of pure evil (in this case, the doughnut) it cannot be counted on to hold its own.

a tall green ginger with milk and honey

I have learned how to drink tea. K suggested it and although I said that I didn’t drink tea, I left work earlier than I’d planned last Wednesday and got myself a tea.

I find I’m liking this cup quite a bit. I think it’s perfect for this rainy evening. Every sip melts the day’s stresses away. It’s quietly happy-fying; it doesn’t make me excited and giddy but calms me into a simple bliss.

Or maybe it’s writing. Or the rain. I really like the rain, tonight. I’m usually afraid of getting wet but I’m not, now. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t expecting rain this week. Maybe it’s because it hasn’t rained in a while; a welcome change.

Maybe the night seems magical with the rain sparkling on the pavement. It makes me feel more of Christmas than anything so far this year. Not quite the “true meaning” but the anticipation of the holiday, nostalgia for the magic of childhood Christmases. I don’t know.

This is a good moment. Of being. I’m almost afraid of scaring it away but I’ll not worry about that. This, now, is good.

—

I’m tempted to start lists of things to do, purchases to make. But no. Not now.

The tea is perfectly warm, perfectly sweet. I am amazed that I got it right, that I’ve figured how I like it. Interesting.

There are a lot of things I could think about. Things needing sorting out in my head. But possibly more than ever before, I’m taking things as they come, living in the moment, slowing down. I’m nowhere near where I’d like to be in those respects but I’m happy with where I am.

—

I remember something B said a couple months ago… that I’m “okay.” Part of me still doubts that but here and now, I think I can believe that I am.

groundbreaking thought

If you’re looking for something that will change the world as you know it, this is probably not it so it’s best you move on.

But… has no one thought of this before? Am I the only one who thinks that this is such an exciting thought that it is mind-boggling that no one has wondered about it before?

***Mixed M&Ms***

Bags of different kinds of M&Ms together … like Hershey’s Miniatures, or trail mix, or Skittles or … you know!!

They’re doing custom messages on your M&Ms but why not custom combinations of M&Ms? I don’t think they even put the custom messages on anything but the milk chocolate ones.

Well, when I throw a party (whenever that may be), I’ll make a bowl of mixed M&Ms… just make sure your hands are clean when you’re rooting for all the peanut butter ones.

fried chicken

I had a strange dream this morning.

We were in the foyer of a haunted mansion and there were zombies coming down the stairs. An endless flow of zombies and we were without weapons.

But we did have chicken. For some reason, there was a lot of fried chicken on the floor.

So we started aiming the legs and thighs at the zombies, and it worked. They started disappearing.

At some point, we were cramming chicken bits in sandwiches and shoving them in the zombies’ mouths.

I asked one of them, “How many are there of you?” He said about seventy.

Then we were almost out of chicken. Somebody had to run across the street and get more. They came back with chicken-flavored rice.

We sprinkled them over the zombies and that worked too.

Then I think there was a big snake, but that was around the time I was thinking, “This would make a good Avanoo post,” and starting to wake up.