the end of the week

If I had a day job, I would be itching to get off work. I might even consider clocking out early because I can’t wait for the weekend to start.

However, as it is, I don’t have a day job. I have been, for the past month, working intermittently on my website which is nearly the only thing keeping me from sending out my resumé.

I was almost there, on Monday. Only, I had forgotten to do any cross-browser testing. So I did and confirmed my prior suspicions that Windows, Internet Explorer and Safari are in league against me. That is not to mention that fact that I am doubting my overall design, because that is the least of my worries now.

So I decided to approach the CSS in a very different way and change the layout very slightly, hoping to accommodate the errant browsers, and now I am utterly lost. This does not bode well for my career.

CSS doesn’t seem to make sense to me anymore. I used to think that it did, that it was easy; I think it has joined the Axis.

I have a crush on CSS… no, I am in love with it. I pine for us to be together in sweet harmony and create wonderful beautiful website babies together. Because I know that CSS is what I need to make superior babies.

But our future seems bleak because I cannot understand it… or maybe my infatuation is making it difficult to think straight. Or maybe I’m panicking because my weekend is full and I need to get this done now because I still have to do that mock-up for a freelance client and I still have to make dinner and I am forgetting that I need to slow down.

—

I am going uphill, with a backpack full of rocks that I have to get over the hill. If it were easy, these rocks would be things that I could simply say to, “I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re important enough to warrant a seat on my back,” and I would be able to do my now-almost-familiar habit of slowing down.

Not so, this time. All of these are things I need to deal with… and there are things coming up that sneak their way into my brain and make things worse.

I don’t know what to do first so I procrastinate, which makes things worse-er.

—

I need to breathe. I think I may need to cry. I need to make dinner. I need to wash the dishes. I don’t even have kids yet. And the things I need to accomplish aren’t really difficult things. And I know this. I know I can do this… but I am in doubt that I will have enough time and that I’ll have the mental resources to do these things.

I feel so drained and tired and I know that it’s because I’m sleeping too much and moving too little. I am upset with myself for procrastinating all week and getting very little done. Then I am frustrated for being upset because it only makes me feel bad and makes it hard to be productive.

—

I think about the things I have to do and I feel so overwhelmed. And it feels so stupid that I keep going in circles, writing about the same thing only using slightly different words… when I could be working, when I could be doing something… but I don’t feel capable. I feel paralyzed. Helpless. Frustrated.

Did I say frustrated?

And even more frustrated (same circle) that I don’t have to be frustrated because this is something I can do. But then I wonder why didn’t I do it all this week?

Then I wonder maybe I should cancel on everything I was supposed to be at this weekend? But I know that’s not an option.

I feel like there are so many things that have piled up but there really aren’t. It’s not a big deal, what I’m going through.

Or maybe I shouldn’t tell myself that.

Sh~t.

I’m dry of words.